Working Hard

I am hard at work. Though mostly having nothing to do with getting ready for my WLS. But that's life I suppose. I am......drum roll...... 7 days from my pre-op diet. I am feeling this feeling of anxiety. I think that's just the anticipation of what's about to start. It's hard to tackle something when you haven't started yet.

In the mean time. I am trying to catch up on job number one. And I start job number two (YAY YAY!!) on Wednesday.

I am spending lots of time with YouTube. The people on YouTube are helping me tremendously. Such a wealth of information to be found in those that have come before you.

My YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJxUnLfTwkkWA20JTcE-Dog
Like me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrinking-Sara-VSG/737873526284962

LessOfSarah's talk at OH 2014

Long Bad Day

Had an insane bad day today. I got up this morning riding high despite the week I've had. I had just been given a job, I was gonna get new glasses tomorrow because of that job, but then two things happened.

I had to take my dog to the vet three days ago. Then found out that all his teeth had to go and he had a tumor in his mouth. He's doing fantastic now, even minus most of his teeth. He's 13 years old and live well past an average life span. I'm proud of him and I love him and while I've assumed he had some sort of cancer somewhere all along (he's an old Labrador that's the way it goes) it was much easier to live with when I didn't officially know what kind it was and "how long" he may live. Could have lived in a more vague state of being.

Then I went out to my grandparents. They were having a family garage sale, so I thought I'd just head out and hang out with my family. My grandmother had a friend stop by. A friend who "knows allot about medical things." So my grandmother insists I tell her about the "thing" I'm doing. So I do. I mean why not, I'm choosing to go through this process publicly with this blog and youtube channel anyway. And OMG. She went off with this speech about I'm so young and am I sure I've tried everything I can and it's a big decision and "I hope you've done your research." Like OMG. Lady you don't know me. I don't know you. I didn't even know your name till less than a minute ago. You aren't me. I mean grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Home & Family

Well I got back to my place, which I share with my cousins. I've started telling my family about my plans. However, I will say it only take telling one person in my family to have everyone know. I don't mind too much I just wanted to tell people myself so that I can answer any questions or concerns they might have.

I was feeling a little down for a little bit. But things are looking up and I'm starting to find my determination again. So it fills good. I'm starting to stock up my kitchen for my pre-op diet which is 18 days away. I wouldn't call myself so much excited as feeling prepared, which is making me feel calm. I don't think that is a bad thing.I think that feeling over excited could set you up for disappointment. I want to stay rooting in the fact that this is going to be a good tool for me. That my progress will be what it will be and that I will making the best of everything I do. The small accomplishments make up the big accomplishments.

Paper Work

I received all my surgery information today. Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. Which was to be expected. I have my pre-op diet information, and tell you what it's a much shorter set of info than you would expect. The realness of this is starting to set in. I have to admit I often shy away from things that are hard. I usually combat hard with preparation. If you're prepared enough then it shouldn't be hard right? Well believe me I don't have any illusions that perpetration is going to make this process not hard. And don't think that that knowledge doesn't frighten me.

To tell the truth I'm in the mental space where I'm less afraid of the surgery and recovery than I am of the pre-op diet. But I know that it's a chance to prepare my body as best I can for the surgery and prove my commitment to both myself, my family, and my medical team. Everything about doing this pre-op and post-op diet has me emotionally frightened. I feel like I'm a bout to rip my blankie out of my child like psyche. Which I why I'm going to start looking for a counselor to help me manage all this emotional upheaval. I know I'm at the beginning of this process but I do recommend to anyone combating eating issues or thinking of a going through a big life change of any kind, a good therapist is with their weight in gold.


I don't think I've said it yet however:

My Doctor: Dr.Alvarez
Location: Piedras Negras Hospital in Mexico
Date: October 7th 2014

Feeling A Little Blue

It's been a rough weekend for me. While I had allot on my plate so to speak to get done. None of it was particularly complicated. Then I got a phone call, a phone call accusing me of something I would never do. A phone call that accused me of something that would ruin my whole life and career. Something that would take out my plan A career, plan B career, and plan C career. Needless to say I was not appreciative. The think about those kinds of accusations is it paralyses you. Suddenly you can't function. Now I can not do the tasks for which I have been assigned for fear that they will call me this awful thing again and ruin my life.

To make matters worse I'm house sitting for my father 6hrs from my home and I finally, and when I mean finally I mean a year and a half of finally, get a call back on my resume for an interview. Can I come in Monday? Uh...I can come in Wednesday? The guy who called clearly wasn't the interview person he was just the guy making the call to line them up on Sunday or Monday. So now I have to follow up in hot pursuit. Goodie.

My positive attitude is totally in the tank. I'm finding that I have allot of deep emotions that I haven't addressed and need to. And on that note, and in the interest of being open about my journey, I'm going to spend some of the time I have left pre-op looking for a quality therapist.

Shrinking Sara's YouTube

Comparison is The Thief of Joy

I was watching an old video on YouTube by LessOfSarah and she was talking about the habit we have of comparing ourselves to others, especially in the weight loss community. And she's right. I'm very early in my process right now. I haven't even started my pre-op diet. Am I trying to get prepared for it? Am I trying to learn as much as possible from these wonderful YouTubers? You bet your butt I am. But I also have to admit that I'm drawing a comparison already. You can't tell me that you don't watch someone's 2, 3, 4 month post-op video and think "as long a I do that good that will be awesome."

We shouldn't define our awesome by someone else's journey. I'll admit I've done it. As a teen my mother and I did W.W together. As long as I beat her I was happy. But someone else's ability and progress shouldn't define my progress. Your journey is yours and mine is mine. Are we happy we can be there for each other? Sure it's always nice not to feel like we're alone in the world. You're not alone and I'm not alone. We have each other, but we have individual unique backgrounds with it. It doesn't mean we don't relate to one another, we do, it just means that we are utilizing our sympathies and understanding to do so. I'm so excited for everyone moving into this journey and everyone who's come before us. I thank them for their videos and blogs. They have helped inspire me and give me confidence in my choice and my process.

I can admit that I am one of those big girls with low confidence. I have a confidence mask. I pull it out when I have to be in public and social. I act like I'm all happy go lucky and that all is right with the world. But the truth is that I do that cuz that's what people like. I'm really introverted and would rather be left alone. I don't take risks with myself, my emotions, or my life. And I tell you what. That's boring and has left me a bit unhappy. I guess the first thing to do is start with one thing at a time. My fear of failure has to be kicked. It prevents me from even doing things. If I can fail at it I don't do it. Well as I'm sure anyone older than me would say nothing is gained without risk. I'm trying to learn that.

Perception vs Reality

One thing I'm learning as I prepare for this journey is that my perception of what I'm doing with what I eat is not accurate. Take this morning for example. I had two pieces of french toast and a piece of sausage. I walked away thinking that's not bad really. It's not like I ate a bunch of french toast. Then a quick stop at an old fashioned ice cream parlor happened. I didn't order anything giant so I didn't feel that bad about it. But then I put the food into my fitness app on my phone...1223 calories...before 2pm. Oh wow.

Now I've done W.W. and I learned allot about my nutrition. What happened to all that knowledge. There was a time in my life where I had devoted myself to that program and exercise. It was the year before my life unraveled. I lost 65lbs, and you know what? I was always hungry. I never felt full or satisfied. I felt controlled not in control. 

But as I move ahead in this process I am trying to re-educate myself about nutrition. Because I'm self pay I don't have all those classes and experts and hoops to jump through before surgery. There is a WLS support group in my area and I'm looking for a therapist to take me on. I'll be the first to admit that some of my eating issues are emotional ones and I'll need to find healthier ways to cope with them. My life right now is an interesting one to me. I'm trying to cope with an abundance of change in my life. In a few months if I can't get some place to interview me and give me a job I'll have to move back home with my dad, who's retiring, and dating (my mother passed 4 years ago). The whole thing is frustrating and emotional. So with a little luck I'll find someone to treat me and help me find my way of getting through this life without using food