Working Hard

I am hard at work. Though mostly having nothing to do with getting ready for my WLS. But that's life I suppose. I am......drum roll...... 7 days from my pre-op diet. I am feeling this feeling of anxiety. I think that's just the anticipation of what's about to start. It's hard to tackle something when you haven't started yet.

In the mean time. I am trying to catch up on job number one. And I start job number two (YAY YAY!!) on Wednesday.

I am spending lots of time with YouTube. The people on YouTube are helping me tremendously. Such a wealth of information to be found in those that have come before you.

My YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJxUnLfTwkkWA20JTcE-Dog
Like me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrinking-Sara-VSG/737873526284962

LessOfSarah's talk at OH 2014

I'm Just Me

I've been thinking about blogs and v-logs today. How each and every one of us is an individual. An individual with a voice and a part of a community. Each of our choices makes us a part of one community or another. Are any of us important? Do any of us matter? And I suppose the answer is YES! We're all important and we all matter. As the saying goes, "Everybody is someone to somebody." Do you know who you're somebody to yet? Here's what I've figured out: I'm going to be somebody to me. I've spent, well quite frankly all of my 20's, waiting to be someone to someone. What I failed to realize is I needed to be someone to me first. So that's my mission at this point. Do things to make me the person I know I am inside and lover her. I know this isn't a particularly revolutionary concept but for me it's a new stage and everything new for me is scary. I've lived my life trying to be comfortable. I shied away from adversity and opted instead for calm. If I thought at all that I might fail something I wasn't going to try. But, that in of itself is a failure isn't it? I've always chose others. I took care of my long term boyfriend (long story) when I had him, I took care of my mom when she was here, and now that she's gone I've been somehow inexplicably drawn to take care of my dad.

I don't really have a grasp or understanding of how my weight issues began. My cousin, who is the same age, had a memory one year of his parents telling him to not be surprised when I came for the summer because I had changed a lot. And while that sounds like a story of a set of parents telling their son that a girl went through a change, i.e puberty, and to not be shocked at it; this was a story about a significant amount of weight gain. I don't remember that. I just don't. I remember being under 6 and playing just like everyone else. I climbed trees, I ran, I swam, I felt like I kept up with my cousins. I don't know when I stopped being able to. I don't know when I started hiding food, but I remember doing it as a teen. I remember wearing a size 16 women's when I was 12. So clearly something changed between 6 and 12. I don't know what. I don't know how. But this thing where I sit around wondering when my life gets to start like everyone I know's has stops now. I still fear failure. But maybe with a change here and a change there I might not let it keep me from being what/who I wish I was.

B.t.w for anyone interested I will be starting a v-log at some point. I have the channel and everything set up on YouTube I just have yet to do a video. When I do I'll announce it here.

Trying To Take the Final Leap of Faith

I've been obese all my life. The lowest weight I can even remember is 220lbs. I remember wearing a size 16 when I was 12....12! I don't know what it's like to not be plus size/curvy/bbw/obese. I have no idea how to be any other way, and I was a varsity athlete when I was in high school. I was a swimmer. We practiced every day for two hours a day. And the whole time I competed I was 280lbs. I remember getting done with my sprint butterfly races, there was always some mom in the crowd who would yeall at her daughter at the end, "That fat girl almost beat you." So yeah I kept up even with my weight. I did realize until the end of 10years of college ( I have two degrees a BA and MFA) that it holds me back. It keeps me from participating in things. It prevents me from walking with my family. It prevents me from long tail rides in the mountains on my horse (I'm actually too heavy for him and it makes him sore so we don't do long rides). It prevents me from not being sore when I do do thing. I walked a 5K this summer. It took me and hour and fifteen minutes. I'm proud I did it. I did something new just because I wanted to try, even though I knew I could fail. I've let the idea of failure paralyze me all my life. I don't know I can do it so I don't do it and I don't fail. But that's a lifetime of doing nothing. Trying nothing. Going nowhere. And I don't want to become a permanent lump on the sofa. 

I've got it all set up. I've talked to patient coordinator. I'm letting my PCP know what I'm thinking tomorrow. All I have left to do is say yes and set the surgery date and start my pre-op. So why haven't I sent the email? Why do I stare at it with fear? I keep trying to tell my mind just stop thinking about it for a few hours and then come back and do what you feel. But, something inside me keeps saying don't stop thinking about it, do it now. You need this now. Don't pass it up. Still, here I sit...scared. I've done the research. I don't think it's unsafe. I feel at ease with the people I've been in contact with. It feels like it felt with my tattoo. I always wanted one but the permanence frightened me, but once I did it I love my tattoo. This is permanent...just like I want my weight loss to be...so why I'm I so scared to just go through with it?