Working Hard

I am hard at work. Though mostly having nothing to do with getting ready for my WLS. But that's life I suppose. I am......drum roll...... 7 days from my pre-op diet. I am feeling this feeling of anxiety. I think that's just the anticipation of what's about to start. It's hard to tackle something when you haven't started yet.

In the mean time. I am trying to catch up on job number one. And I start job number two (YAY YAY!!) on Wednesday.

I am spending lots of time with YouTube. The people on YouTube are helping me tremendously. Such a wealth of information to be found in those that have come before you.

My YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJxUnLfTwkkWA20JTcE-Dog
Like me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shrinking-Sara-VSG/737873526284962

LessOfSarah's talk at OH 2014

Long Bad Day

Had an insane bad day today. I got up this morning riding high despite the week I've had. I had just been given a job, I was gonna get new glasses tomorrow because of that job, but then two things happened.

I had to take my dog to the vet three days ago. Then found out that all his teeth had to go and he had a tumor in his mouth. He's doing fantastic now, even minus most of his teeth. He's 13 years old and live well past an average life span. I'm proud of him and I love him and while I've assumed he had some sort of cancer somewhere all along (he's an old Labrador that's the way it goes) it was much easier to live with when I didn't officially know what kind it was and "how long" he may live. Could have lived in a more vague state of being.

Then I went out to my grandparents. They were having a family garage sale, so I thought I'd just head out and hang out with my family. My grandmother had a friend stop by. A friend who "knows allot about medical things." So my grandmother insists I tell her about the "thing" I'm doing. So I do. I mean why not, I'm choosing to go through this process publicly with this blog and youtube channel anyway. And OMG. She went off with this speech about I'm so young and am I sure I've tried everything I can and it's a big decision and "I hope you've done your research." Like OMG. Lady you don't know me. I don't know you. I didn't even know your name till less than a minute ago. You aren't me. I mean grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Home & Family

Well I got back to my place, which I share with my cousins. I've started telling my family about my plans. However, I will say it only take telling one person in my family to have everyone know. I don't mind too much I just wanted to tell people myself so that I can answer any questions or concerns they might have.

I was feeling a little down for a little bit. But things are looking up and I'm starting to find my determination again. So it fills good. I'm starting to stock up my kitchen for my pre-op diet which is 18 days away. I wouldn't call myself so much excited as feeling prepared, which is making me feel calm. I don't think that is a bad thing.I think that feeling over excited could set you up for disappointment. I want to stay rooting in the fact that this is going to be a good tool for me. That my progress will be what it will be and that I will making the best of everything I do. The small accomplishments make up the big accomplishments.

Paper Work

I received all my surgery information today. Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. Which was to be expected. I have my pre-op diet information, and tell you what it's a much shorter set of info than you would expect. The realness of this is starting to set in. I have to admit I often shy away from things that are hard. I usually combat hard with preparation. If you're prepared enough then it shouldn't be hard right? Well believe me I don't have any illusions that perpetration is going to make this process not hard. And don't think that that knowledge doesn't frighten me.

To tell the truth I'm in the mental space where I'm less afraid of the surgery and recovery than I am of the pre-op diet. But I know that it's a chance to prepare my body as best I can for the surgery and prove my commitment to both myself, my family, and my medical team. Everything about doing this pre-op and post-op diet has me emotionally frightened. I feel like I'm a bout to rip my blankie out of my child like psyche. Which I why I'm going to start looking for a counselor to help me manage all this emotional upheaval. I know I'm at the beginning of this process but I do recommend to anyone combating eating issues or thinking of a going through a big life change of any kind, a good therapist is with their weight in gold.


I don't think I've said it yet however:

My Doctor: Dr.Alvarez
Location: Piedras Negras Hospital in Mexico
Date: October 7th 2014

Feeling A Little Blue

It's been a rough weekend for me. While I had allot on my plate so to speak to get done. None of it was particularly complicated. Then I got a phone call, a phone call accusing me of something I would never do. A phone call that accused me of something that would ruin my whole life and career. Something that would take out my plan A career, plan B career, and plan C career. Needless to say I was not appreciative. The think about those kinds of accusations is it paralyses you. Suddenly you can't function. Now I can not do the tasks for which I have been assigned for fear that they will call me this awful thing again and ruin my life.

To make matters worse I'm house sitting for my father 6hrs from my home and I finally, and when I mean finally I mean a year and a half of finally, get a call back on my resume for an interview. Can I come in Monday? Uh...I can come in Wednesday? The guy who called clearly wasn't the interview person he was just the guy making the call to line them up on Sunday or Monday. So now I have to follow up in hot pursuit. Goodie.

My positive attitude is totally in the tank. I'm finding that I have allot of deep emotions that I haven't addressed and need to. And on that note, and in the interest of being open about my journey, I'm going to spend some of the time I have left pre-op looking for a quality therapist.

Shrinking Sara's YouTube

Comparison is The Thief of Joy

I was watching an old video on YouTube by LessOfSarah and she was talking about the habit we have of comparing ourselves to others, especially in the weight loss community. And she's right. I'm very early in my process right now. I haven't even started my pre-op diet. Am I trying to get prepared for it? Am I trying to learn as much as possible from these wonderful YouTubers? You bet your butt I am. But I also have to admit that I'm drawing a comparison already. You can't tell me that you don't watch someone's 2, 3, 4 month post-op video and think "as long a I do that good that will be awesome."

We shouldn't define our awesome by someone else's journey. I'll admit I've done it. As a teen my mother and I did W.W together. As long as I beat her I was happy. But someone else's ability and progress shouldn't define my progress. Your journey is yours and mine is mine. Are we happy we can be there for each other? Sure it's always nice not to feel like we're alone in the world. You're not alone and I'm not alone. We have each other, but we have individual unique backgrounds with it. It doesn't mean we don't relate to one another, we do, it just means that we are utilizing our sympathies and understanding to do so. I'm so excited for everyone moving into this journey and everyone who's come before us. I thank them for their videos and blogs. They have helped inspire me and give me confidence in my choice and my process.

I can admit that I am one of those big girls with low confidence. I have a confidence mask. I pull it out when I have to be in public and social. I act like I'm all happy go lucky and that all is right with the world. But the truth is that I do that cuz that's what people like. I'm really introverted and would rather be left alone. I don't take risks with myself, my emotions, or my life. And I tell you what. That's boring and has left me a bit unhappy. I guess the first thing to do is start with one thing at a time. My fear of failure has to be kicked. It prevents me from even doing things. If I can fail at it I don't do it. Well as I'm sure anyone older than me would say nothing is gained without risk. I'm trying to learn that.

Perception vs Reality

One thing I'm learning as I prepare for this journey is that my perception of what I'm doing with what I eat is not accurate. Take this morning for example. I had two pieces of french toast and a piece of sausage. I walked away thinking that's not bad really. It's not like I ate a bunch of french toast. Then a quick stop at an old fashioned ice cream parlor happened. I didn't order anything giant so I didn't feel that bad about it. But then I put the food into my fitness app on my phone...1223 calories...before 2pm. Oh wow.

Now I've done W.W. and I learned allot about my nutrition. What happened to all that knowledge. There was a time in my life where I had devoted myself to that program and exercise. It was the year before my life unraveled. I lost 65lbs, and you know what? I was always hungry. I never felt full or satisfied. I felt controlled not in control. 

But as I move ahead in this process I am trying to re-educate myself about nutrition. Because I'm self pay I don't have all those classes and experts and hoops to jump through before surgery. There is a WLS support group in my area and I'm looking for a therapist to take me on. I'll be the first to admit that some of my eating issues are emotional ones and I'll need to find healthier ways to cope with them. My life right now is an interesting one to me. I'm trying to cope with an abundance of change in my life. In a few months if I can't get some place to interview me and give me a job I'll have to move back home with my dad, who's retiring, and dating (my mother passed 4 years ago). The whole thing is frustrating and emotional. So with a little luck I'll find someone to treat me and help me find my way of getting through this life without using food 

Not About My Journey

Ok all: This is a letter I wrote to two companies. Both greatly disappointing me tonight and quite frankly pissed me off.

Dear Frontier Air and Expedia.com, 

I am appalled at the cooperation between Frontier Air and Expedia.com. Not only did Frontier agents give me false information that neither of you could fulfill, it took three and a half hours to handle the issue between the two of you. I called Expedia to inform them that a mistake had been made with ticketing and the wrong passenger was listed on the ticket. They told me to talk to Frontier. Frontier said since the problem was computer created that there was no reason that Expedia shouldn't change the passenger name without fault to me. Then when I called Expedia they would not fix the problem. So then they called Frontier to straighten it out. At this point the agent at Frontier refused to hold up what I had been told. I was on hold for an hour to talk to Frontier directly and then another 40 minutes through Expedia. In the end this entire thing cost me the amount of an additional ticket. I could have flown round trip for what the two of you cost me. I would like you to know that there are plenty of airlines and plenty of booking agencies that I can use and I put my trust in yours. This cost of my time and money will not be forgotten and I'm sure my friends, family, and clientele won't either. 

All in all this situation took up 3+ hours of my evening tonight.

And what does being pissed off make me want to do...eat. That's right there's nothing that sounds more wonderful in my head right now than a big bowl of cereal and ice cold milk. It just sounds like a big blanket of comfort doesn't it? But that's a part of my life I'm taking control of. Not allowing my eating to be about things other than sustenance. My emotions are going to have to find a more constructive outlet.

My Stats

I know I've made a post tonight already. But it's 1am where I am tonight and I thought I hadn't posted my numbers on anything. So here goes:

I'm 30yrs old
5'6"
Heaviest Weight: 331
Current Weight: 326
Goal Weight: 150

So there it is. Me as statistics.

I'm Just Me

I've been thinking about blogs and v-logs today. How each and every one of us is an individual. An individual with a voice and a part of a community. Each of our choices makes us a part of one community or another. Are any of us important? Do any of us matter? And I suppose the answer is YES! We're all important and we all matter. As the saying goes, "Everybody is someone to somebody." Do you know who you're somebody to yet? Here's what I've figured out: I'm going to be somebody to me. I've spent, well quite frankly all of my 20's, waiting to be someone to someone. What I failed to realize is I needed to be someone to me first. So that's my mission at this point. Do things to make me the person I know I am inside and lover her. I know this isn't a particularly revolutionary concept but for me it's a new stage and everything new for me is scary. I've lived my life trying to be comfortable. I shied away from adversity and opted instead for calm. If I thought at all that I might fail something I wasn't going to try. But, that in of itself is a failure isn't it? I've always chose others. I took care of my long term boyfriend (long story) when I had him, I took care of my mom when she was here, and now that she's gone I've been somehow inexplicably drawn to take care of my dad.

I don't really have a grasp or understanding of how my weight issues began. My cousin, who is the same age, had a memory one year of his parents telling him to not be surprised when I came for the summer because I had changed a lot. And while that sounds like a story of a set of parents telling their son that a girl went through a change, i.e puberty, and to not be shocked at it; this was a story about a significant amount of weight gain. I don't remember that. I just don't. I remember being under 6 and playing just like everyone else. I climbed trees, I ran, I swam, I felt like I kept up with my cousins. I don't know when I stopped being able to. I don't know when I started hiding food, but I remember doing it as a teen. I remember wearing a size 16 women's when I was 12. So clearly something changed between 6 and 12. I don't know what. I don't know how. But this thing where I sit around wondering when my life gets to start like everyone I know's has stops now. I still fear failure. But maybe with a change here and a change there I might not let it keep me from being what/who I wish I was.

B.t.w for anyone interested I will be starting a v-log at some point. I have the channel and everything set up on YouTube I just have yet to do a video. When I do I'll announce it here.

A New Day

I am going to get the deposit and get that take care of today. It's the final step to committing to this process and what may or may not come of it. I've always been a girl of certainty. If I couldn't be certain of it's outcome I didn't do things. I didn't even try. But that's a very boring existence. I feel like life walks right past me and while everyone else has something happening for them I'm in a stalled state of being. I can't shake the feeling that I've wasted 30 years of my life and if I don't do this I will waste 30 more or all of it. I want to do things I want to have fun, I want to (OMG) make mistakes (something that I have refused to accept in the past), it's time to become a member of society and step up my life game plan. I thank my family, who at this point doesn't all know, but they will be behind me. And anyone who has taken a look at this little blog so far. May your life and day be bright and shiny.

One Step At A Time

Well the date has been set. I've talked to my pcp and she's totally on board with handling my after care, and all I have left to do is send the deposit. That one last step that says I'm committed to this. I started keeping a journal to keep a record of my decision process and progress moving forward. As I sit thinking about my completely open and much brighter future, I know I hesitated to send the deposit to hold my surgery date today. I know I've done all the research. My pcp even said she felt very comfortable because I've done so much research. I feel determined and I don't feel that fading. In the past I've been prone to buts of motivation. I get it together I get going and a few months later I'm done being motivated. But this year was different I made a promise to myself to be more active and not worry about the weight, I assumed the weight would follow. It did...six months of building up to a 1500 meter swim 6 days a week and I put on 8 lbs. What? And yeah I know muscle weighs more than fat. Well that's all fine and dandy but tell it to my back and knees. I know this is a good and, as my pcp put it, reasonable option for me and I know I want to do it. So why am I so freaked out? Why am I holding myself back from change? Never been a fan of change. Or the unknown. I like it when I know where something is headed. And I don't know where this is going to head in the end. Down of course. But what else?

A Date

Well...I have my surgery date set aside. October 7th, 2014. I don't know which I'm more of or equal parts of: excited or terrified. 

Getting A Date

LOL With a title like that I sound like I'm going to talk about finding a man. But, no. I finally took the plunge and emailed for a date. Unfortunately the date I was hoping for was full now. However there are a few days in the same range open, which I'm glad. But, it has given me the chance to hesitate again. What is wrong with me?

Trying To Take the Final Leap of Faith

I've been obese all my life. The lowest weight I can even remember is 220lbs. I remember wearing a size 16 when I was 12....12! I don't know what it's like to not be plus size/curvy/bbw/obese. I have no idea how to be any other way, and I was a varsity athlete when I was in high school. I was a swimmer. We practiced every day for two hours a day. And the whole time I competed I was 280lbs. I remember getting done with my sprint butterfly races, there was always some mom in the crowd who would yeall at her daughter at the end, "That fat girl almost beat you." So yeah I kept up even with my weight. I did realize until the end of 10years of college ( I have two degrees a BA and MFA) that it holds me back. It keeps me from participating in things. It prevents me from walking with my family. It prevents me from long tail rides in the mountains on my horse (I'm actually too heavy for him and it makes him sore so we don't do long rides). It prevents me from not being sore when I do do thing. I walked a 5K this summer. It took me and hour and fifteen minutes. I'm proud I did it. I did something new just because I wanted to try, even though I knew I could fail. I've let the idea of failure paralyze me all my life. I don't know I can do it so I don't do it and I don't fail. But that's a lifetime of doing nothing. Trying nothing. Going nowhere. And I don't want to become a permanent lump on the sofa. 

I've got it all set up. I've talked to patient coordinator. I'm letting my PCP know what I'm thinking tomorrow. All I have left to do is say yes and set the surgery date and start my pre-op. So why haven't I sent the email? Why do I stare at it with fear? I keep trying to tell my mind just stop thinking about it for a few hours and then come back and do what you feel. But, something inside me keeps saying don't stop thinking about it, do it now. You need this now. Don't pass it up. Still, here I sit...scared. I've done the research. I don't think it's unsafe. I feel at ease with the people I've been in contact with. It feels like it felt with my tattoo. I always wanted one but the permanence frightened me, but once I did it I love my tattoo. This is permanent...just like I want my weight loss to be...so why I'm I so scared to just go through with it?