I've been thinking about blogs and v-logs today. How each and every one of us is an individual. An individual with a voice and a part of a community. Each of our choices makes us a part of one community or another. Are any of us important? Do any of us matter? And I suppose the answer is YES! We're all important and we all matter. As the saying goes, "Everybody is someone to somebody." Do you know who you're somebody to yet? Here's what I've figured out: I'm going to be somebody to me. I've spent, well quite frankly all of my 20's, waiting to be someone to someone. What I failed to realize is I needed to be someone to me first. So that's my mission at this point. Do things to make me the person I know I am inside and lover her. I know this isn't a particularly revolutionary concept but for me it's a new stage and everything new for me is scary. I've lived my life trying to be comfortable. I shied away from adversity and opted instead for calm. If I thought at all that I might fail something I wasn't going to try. But, that in of itself is a failure isn't it? I've always chose others. I took care of my long term boyfriend (long story) when I had him, I took care of my mom when she was here, and now that she's gone I've been somehow inexplicably drawn to take care of my dad.
I don't really have a grasp or understanding of how my weight issues began. My cousin, who is the same age, had a memory one year of his parents telling him to not be surprised when I came for the summer because I had changed a lot. And while that sounds like a story of a set of parents telling their son that a girl went through a change, i.e puberty, and to not be shocked at it; this was a story about a significant amount of weight gain. I don't remember that. I just don't. I remember being under 6 and playing just like everyone else. I climbed trees, I ran, I swam, I felt like I kept up with my cousins. I don't know when I stopped being able to. I don't know when I started hiding food, but I remember doing it as a teen. I remember wearing a size 16 women's when I was 12. So clearly something changed between 6 and 12. I don't know what. I don't know how. But this thing where I sit around wondering when my life gets to start like everyone I know's has stops now. I still fear failure. But maybe with a change here and a change there I might not let it keep me from being what/who I wish I was.
B.t.w for anyone interested I will be starting a v-log at some point. I have the channel and everything set up on YouTube I just have yet to do a video. When I do I'll announce it here.
It' so great that you've come to the realization about valuing yourself this early in your life. I know people in their 60s who are still waiting for someone else to tell them that they matter, and what a waste of life that is. You're going to make one seriously amazing life for yourself. I have a fear of failure, too, but I'm lucky that I've always been even more afraid of staying safe. I hope you find the same thrill that I've felt when I head off into the unknown, where falling on my ass is a real possibility. It can be addictive, in the best way.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you, btw. :-)